you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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