its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
