i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
