i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
