what day is it and did you see me today?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
