Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
