I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
