At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
