im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
A bitchslap is in order.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
