I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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