your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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