Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
