You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
