all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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