So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
