I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
