Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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