I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Randomize
