Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
