Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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