I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
