Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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