Did you just see the Batmobile???
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
