Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
