he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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