you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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