I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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