I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
