good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
