Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
