Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
