I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
