Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
