He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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