I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
