I have demons in me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
