I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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