apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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