Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
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