I'm lost and stupid without you.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
