her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
