just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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