Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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