Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
we're so committed to being not committed
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
