You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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