did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
