Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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