ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
