your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
