Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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