I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Randomize
