no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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