An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
