It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
